Blogtastic. jk im not.

its been months. my bad. eff good spelling. life is getting slowly better with some big setbacks. i got foodstamps.
im having issues going back to a bad friend and i know theres probably nothing there anymore but i just miss her so much. ughhhh death to me. i DO however have an amazing friend that ive never met before in person. her names Samantha. shes the coolest girl like ever outside of my future possibly baby mama (inside joke). she lives in a different state and we've only ever texted or imed. its mehhh. o well. i wish my good friends would text me more. i feel alot like nobody wants to talk to me anymore. booo loneliness. and omg someone please kill all of these people from work that want to have sex with me or date me or shit. im sick of it. i just want a job with lots of FRIENDS only. on the bright side, star wars is soooo back in my heart again :) im reading a star wars book AND playing a video game about star wars hahahaha. im awesome. dont you think? i feel like i need a stroke of luck somewhere. like winning a small lottery or something. it might sound a wee bit shitty or conceited but i think i kinda deserve it. blehhh.
ps. i really miss you asking me lots and lots of random questions. i wish youd do it again :/

Do I create my own problems?

firstly, its been too long since i last blogged. sorry.
second, times are still so rough.
lastly, bloggy blog blog

ive been thinking about what people think about me. do they think im annoying. an asshole. a manwhore. inconsiderate. funny. sexay lol. idk. but im pretty sure most people find me to be annoying or an asshole or a manwhore. and i get to thinking, do i create my own problems? in highschool i used and hurt a few girls and i regret it every day but it still labels me as a manwhore. now, after highschool, i still struggle with maintaining my relationship and struggle with loyalty to my gf. i love her and nobody else i know that. but sometimes im not quite in control of what my urges. thats for another time though. i often joke rudely and idk if its just a sense of humor of mine or like a defense mechanism but i know that when people joke meanly towards me, even if its a joke, it hurts on some level. and so i worry if i hurt people. and if i do, itd be a big reason why people call me an asshole. i talk alot and joke alot and am often loud and i worry that its just to get attention, and i hate that about myself, yet seem to do barely anything to change it. idk why. this would be why people find me annoying. i worry that im clingy when it comes to my gf and best friends. but thats just because i love them so much and am always scared theyll realize im a piece of crap and just never want to see me again. my best friend says im too hard on myself but i just dont see alot of good over here. its hard. idk. i also procrastinate and then things stack up and i know i do it but then things get so hard and idk what to do. idk. i need a pick me up. a good day. a psychiatrist. a HUGE self esteem boost. idk where the hell thatll come from :/ o well. i also need to learn how to capitalize my sentences haha. see even now im laughing at something i seriously worry about and i worry that thats a defense mechanism or some crap like that. i need a hug. a cuddle from a friend. a shot of jack. im needy. slap! i need my life to start changing for the better, maybe then my blogs wont all be emo and shit. merrr sorry. thanks for listening world. ill try to blog again soon.

top 10 reasons i hate your ass

1. you think wayyyy too much of yourself.
2. youre a bitch.
3. youre so selfish and inconsiderate of anyone elses lives/plans
4.youre dating my best friend, you bitch
5.you have tried to fool around with me, even though im dating your sister
6.you think just because you have made dinner a few times, that people owe you favors or that you're entitled to get whatever you want.
7.every fucking time ANY song come on the radio you go, this is my song! you dont own a song, much less a coherent valuable thought.
8. youre a bitch
9. we did so much for you and you not once said thank you.
10. because you hurt and mistreat the one person i love most in this world.

i hope you burn in hell but even they wouldnt be able to put up with your fat shitty retarded cocky bullshit ass!!

VENNNTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Stressing. Stressing Bad.

Im stressing so bad right now. I am late on rent. I dont make enough money. My girlfriend, although amazing, wont try hard enough to find a new job. Im constantly scared Im going to lose my job. The company I work for retains the right to fire me at any time for any reason. Im just tired. Tired of being scared. Tired of not having any money. Tired of the feeling that not having enough money is slowly tearing my relationship apart. Tired of being scared that I'll end up homeless. I dont know where Ill be a year from now but I think if its not a better place than this. I wont make it to see the age of 22. I mean that. I need to spend time with some friends. See if thatll help. I need to unwind. I need my girlfriend to pull her weight a little more. We all need something. I need a sign that things are getting better. Im in a downward spiral and its the scariest thing in my life. I wish I could be a writer. I wish I could write myself a better ending. I need a drink. ttyl world.

Boobies ( . )( . )

I'm a guy. I love boobs. That's like, genetics. But why in gods name do I have to always want to see them. I have a lot of female friends and for like 95 percent of them, I'd love to see they're boobs. I don't want to have sex with them. I have no "more than friends" type feelings for them. So why o why do u always wanna see they're boobs? Its a conundrum! I love mu girlfriend's. I think they're perfect. So why?! It baffles me. Its like weird cuz I think some of my female friends are pretty/hott/beautiful etc. But I don't like, lust for them or anything. Its like I'm just aware of it you know? And another thing that bothers me is that like, I feel like I can't let them know that I think they're beautiful or whatever because that crosses some invisible line that's even a bigger line because I have a girlfriend, regardless of my intentions.
Ok, I love star wars. I do. I think its the shit once a person actually reads the books and sees how much more there is to this imaginary universe. But something that I can relate to and really cling on to in this universe is this idea of the light side and dark side of the force and the resisting of temptation. Most things selfish or aggressive would be considered dark side and most selfless and for the good of all people would be considered light side. But upon reading so many of the books and thinking in my spare time, I find that most of it comes down to intentions. (Which is how this relates to the boobs subject) Let's say some guy kills a family of people living on a farm. That's dark right? Now let's say they kill the family because they have 100 slaves in an underground bunker and its the only way to save them. Still dark? See that's where it becomes iffy. Let's say someone manipulates their friend into not going on a date with a great guy even though they're lonely, dark right? Now let's say that the lonely friend actually has dependency issues and this great guy actually has a history of being violent with girls that the lonely friend either doesn't know about or doesn't believe because they're so hopeful to be with someone. Still dark? I think not. I believe no matter what people do in life their intentions define whether it is a good or bad act, so long as they aren't manipulating this so that the ends justify the means. Like saying I want to protect my family, so I'm gonna go kill as many black people as I can because they scare me. That's retarded and obviously this person is trying to justify their actions. I think if you have to justify your actions to anyone, including yourself, they aren't just at all and you should stop deluding yourself.
This is why I don't ask my female friends to show me they're breasts, because despite my urges to see them or my intentions thereof, the ends don't justify the means. So sorry boobs, maybe someday when you're drunk and I walk in on something I shouldn't see lol. Or the other way around XD
Lol thanks for hearing me out. I'll ttyl world.

6 days

Its been 6 days since I posted last. Its been a long couple of days. My stupid friend is still being stupid and is like, beyond help. O well. Eff that lol. Two nights ago I got smashed on accident on some captain morgan and my friends and girlfriend had to drive me home and carry me up the stairs and throw me in bed. That was embarrassing to say the least. I closed all by myself at work last night. That was a bitch. But o well its money. Speaking of money I'm really scared I won't be able to make rent this month. My gf is unemployed so I'm the only one bringing any money in and its just not enough. Its always on my mind and I hate it. I have a girl at work who wants to have sex with me and I told her no and to not talk or text me anymore but she was at work last night and wouldn't stop looking at me and it was soooo awkward. I hate it. O well. Ill post again soon.

Another day, another post

So I had lunch with her, we talked a lot and while I don't agree or respect her decision, I guess I understand it a little more. I still want to lock her up. She's gonna lose so many people in her life if she doesn't stop making such stupid choices and ignoring anyone else's advice. Oh well, I have another friendgirl who's frickin amazing and has never been so stupid or such a bad friend. If I had money I'd buy this girl a trophy lol.
Anyways, I read something like two days ago that I can't stop thinking about. It said that like 90 percent of Americansk instincts never change from what they were in high school. Hence the saying, high school never ends. Its super depressing because I know that my dumb friend seems to be getting worse rather than better, but its doubly depressing for me because in highschool I was this obnoxious vindictive playboy using cheating asshole. I hurt a lot of girls and I regret it every day. I split up entire groups of friends and hurt worse than anyone else, my current girlfriend of two years. I don't want to cheat or lie to her anymore and its been a secret struggle for me for like ever. I know I don't deserve this amazing girl but its like I'd die without her. I've recently discovered through thinking that I kinda have always compartmentalized my cheating in a separate spot from my life/ my girlfriend and that's completely horrible because it totally affects her/us and I know she'll always find out. I need to think first about her like all the time, rather than just when it directly pertains to her. I guess this compartmentalization has always been one of those instincts from high school. I want to overcome it and I want to completely be in a normal and functioning relationship with no cheating or lying for a change. If anyone has any input or advice or questions for me I'd love to hear from you guys.
Well, time to go wake up the amazing girlfriend. Thanks readers :)